I was ashamed of what I wore at the Pool.

I was ashamed by what I wore in the pool:

I put on my two piece. It wasn’t a pretty sight. I immediately wanted to take it off and throw it in the trash. I felt gross, fat, ashamed, and depressed. But I needed to wear it. I had left my one piece, or, my “mom bathing suit”, at the Y. I had my trendy high waisted two piece or a skimpy bikini from my “sexy” days (I wouldn’t be able to squeeze my milk filled boobs into that thing without slipping a nip). That was it. My husband insisted I looked great, to not worry, and besides, “isn’t it just going to be your family at your aunt’s?” He was right, but he didn’t realize I was thinking about my beautiful aunt, who after five children looked like a retired Miss America contestant, or my younger cousin, who was able to lose all her baby weight from “breastfeeding”. I decided to bring the dreaded two piece but to wear a concealing black tank top over it. Problem solved, right? I could hide my rolls and still be in the pool.

The next day I dressed my son in an adorable matching trunk, rash guard and hat, proud of his perfection, and then reluctantly put on my two piece and quickly hid my rolls and armpit fat with my tank top. I joined my mom, aunts, and cousins in the pool, quickly squatting down in the shallow end in order to be concealed by the water.

Something miraculous happened 5 seconds after I got into the pool and felt the security of the concealing water. I forgot all about my armpit fat, my thunderous thighs, my belly rolls…all of it. I forgot that I was suppose to be self conscious and hiding my body. I forgot because I was too busy being a mom, daughter, niece and cousin. I was too busy enjoying my family, enjoying watching my aunts and mom attempt to play pool volleyball, too busy showing my son how to blow bubbles in the water, and how fun it is to splash and kick in the water. I remembered I brought a floaty toy for Theo, and without thinking I confidently hopped out of the pool to grab it. The cool breeze reminded me I was in a bathing suit and for a split second I became self conscious again. I felt exposed standing in front of my uncles, dad, and grandpa,who were all out enjoying the beautiful day and their family. And then, with a deep breath, I threw the negative thought away–along with my concealing tank top. I tossed it aside along with all my insecurities. No longer will I hide myself, no longer will I waste time feeling ashamed of my body, no longer will I let my own insecurities affect my life–and worse than that–the life of my children. Instead I felt ashamed I even had those thoughts in the first place. I jumped back in the pool and enjoyed the rest of the day only thinking about how blessed I am to have such a beautiful family, and of course, an amazing aunt with an amazing pool.

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Julia, hiding in the shallow end under a black tank top summer 2016.

I encourage all you Mama Wolves to do the same. Take off the shame, insecurities, and concealing “covers”. Instead, put on whatever allows you to confidently splash in the water with your baby pups!

Have you ever tried to “hide” your body while at the pool, park, or lake? Did you feel ashamed afterward? Please share your stories below!

As always, please be kind, respectful, helpful, and spread cheer!

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